When people imagine expat life, they picture excitement — a new job, a new country, a new beginning. Friends back home say, “You’re so lucky!”
But there’s another side to the story — the one lived by the partner who follows.
The Unexpected Stillness
At first, relocation feels like an adventure. There’s packing, paperwork, setting up a home — the thrill of the new. Then one morning, the working partner heads off to their new office… and the house goes quiet.
The partner who stayed behind to “make it work” suddenly faces long days, an unfamiliar culture, and a missing sense of belonging. Even small things — buying groceries, finding a café, asking for directions — can feel like climbing a mountain.
A Shift in Roles
For many couples, this move also changes the dynamic. One becomes the breadwinner, the other the “one at home.” It’s not a failure — it’s just what happens. But it can create emotional distance, quiet resentment, or guilt.
Guilt for not being happier.
Guilt for missing home.
Guilt for struggling when everyone else says it looks like a dream.
It’s Okay to Say “I Hate It Here”
One of the hardest — and healthiest — steps is to talk honestly. To say, “I hate it here right now.”
Not because you want to leave, but because pretending it’s easy doesn’t make it easier.
Admitting that the adventure is also exhausting opens the door for real connection. It allows both partners to feel seen and supported — instead of quietly drifting apart.
Small Steps Toward Belonging
Adjustment doesn’t come all at once. It’s built in small, daily acts:
Leaving the house, even when you don’t feel like it.
Learning a few local words.
Turning grocery shopping into an exploration.
Finding one new thing each day that feels yours.
These moments may seem small, but they’re how a new life begins to take shape.
Different Paces, Shared Journey
Everyone in the family adjusts differently. One partner might settle in quickly, the other might take longer — and that’s okay. There’s no single timeline for feeling at home.
Working with a mental health professional experienced in expat adjustment or expat couple counseling can help normalize these experiences and guide couples through the emotional maze of living abroad.
One Day at a Time
Few expat moves start with a perfect plan. Often, one opportunity leads and the rest of life follows. And while it’s rarely the seamless dream we imagine, it can still become something beautiful — a work in progress, full of growth, love, and resilience.
So if you’re the partner staring out the window, wondering why this adventure feels so heavy — remember: you’re not alone, and you’re not failing. You’re just adjusting. And that’s a journey in itself.
Dr. Silvia Fiammenghi
Clinical Psychologist | Specialist in Expat Mental Health & Expat Couple Counseling
Helping individuals and families find balance, belonging, and emotional wellbeing abroad.